Panasonic BD-15VU Announced

A hush falls over the auditorium. Film journalists from across the world packed into this Las Vegas theatre to get an exciting first look at Panasonic’s long awaiting followup to the BD-14VU. After 3 long months without a new major Blu Ray player on the market, the market is wondering what’s been brewing in Panasonic’s R&D department. Will it be as powerful as its recently announced rival, the Pioneer XR-12? Will it, as rumours say, need to be connected to the internet at all times? Soon, our thirst will be slated.

(from Techcrunch)

Panasonic VP John Faceman walks on the stage to rapturous applause. He smiles at the audience. “Avatar 2”. The words exit his mouth and the crowd explodes. Yes! Panasonic owners can now join Pioneer owners in enjoying the now iconic IP from 20th Century Fox. He politely waits to let the professional movie journalists in attendance type ‘omg! jizz in my pants’ to their liveblogs.

We mop up, and return our gaze to hang on his every gleaming word. “And that’s not all, with Panasonic(TM) Remote Unit RM-15VU, you’ll be watching a movie more than ever before”. Mr Faceman reaches into his pocket and takes out a small black plastic box. He points it at the screen, presses a button, and a blue alien appears on the screen behind him (*rapturous applause*). “Yes, we’ve made the BD-14VU even better. The remote that let you play and pause a movie is now even better. It’s thinner, has another button on it, and guess what, we’ve improved battery life by 17%!” (*even rapturouser applause*)

Outstanding. Although the 14VU was used by millions of casual movie watchers, the device failed to catch on with the hardcore film buff crowd who tended to stick with their universal remotes. “We’ve been working on the RM-15Vu with several major distributors, and let me just hint now that some of your favourite movie franchises will let you fast forward more than ever!” (*more rapturous applause, several people die*)

“So, the software. I know you’re all eager to see what the next version of Panasonic(TM) Media Device Firmware looks like, and don’t worry, v2.3.1(a) won’t disappoint.” Panasonic International President Harper Stevensonvenson claps himself onto stage (*applause, quieter now since the audiences hands have worn away*) His checkered history had left many movie watchers cool, but the man sure knows how to pretend to be friendly with people he meets. The screen behind him shows a smiling woman on a couch. “I’d like to introduce Panasonic Media Protector 3FY”, Mr Stevensonvenson announces. Social media logos flash over the screen, the woman screams in silence.

From TechnoBuffalo(?)

“Facebook. Say yes to sharing. With the 3FY, you’ll be able to leverage the Panasonic Cloud like never before. 3FY will actually offload some processing to the cloud, which will be better for some reason.”  The two men try to fistbump, but miss. “And that’s not all”, Faceman says, “3FY will help manage your media library. No longer will you have to actually own any movies you buy, and as long as you sign in every day so we can see if you’re being naughty, you can watch your dvds whenever you like!” (*applause???*) “You can even lend your movies to your friends, as long as you sit and watch it with them every time”

“Oh, John I can barely contain my excitement about this next truth bomb” Mr Stevensonvenson says, while making a bomb-explody gesture I think. “With v2.3.1(a), you can integrate your Panasonic(TM) TV with your Panasonic(TM) DVD-15V U like never before. Now, we all know how Panasonic’s patented ImagineWire cable lets your BD-VU send moving pictures to your TV. But we’ve done something even more, you’ll soon be able to actually hear the films, with your Panasonic(TM) TV or Panasonic(TM) home theatre system.” He bows, and is absorbed into the fabric of time. A million commenters write ‘shut up and take my money, good sir’.

“Thanks a lot, Harper,” Mr Faceman walks into the audience. They tear at his clothes, grasping for a keepsake of his majesty. “And don’t worry folks, you won’t have to worry about accidentally seeing an independent film on your BD-15VU. We’ve made extra sure that only well entrenched distributors can afford to market and maintain a film that will play on your system.” Faceman, now naked, returns to the stage. “Oh, and one more thing. We are now  including a screen size detector in the box, just to ensure the 15VU will only work if you can afford a large enough TV. In return, you’ll be able to skip chapters with your voice. That’s all today, folks, see you at CES!!!” (*no applause, the audience never existed*)